Thursday, June 23, 2005

dog house - A Roscoe History Part One

Long ago, on a distant bulletin board

Most read story in TeamMooch!:
Comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content.

Posted by: wyatt on Apr 16, 2001 - 08:13 PM
[TeamMooch!] I have an old refrigerator I hope to convert into a dog house. Does anyone have some old motorcycle parts I can use for the conversion?

by roscoe on Apr 17, 2001 - 04:48 PM
You don't really want to convert an old refrigerator into a dog house . First, if that dog bites into the feon coil he's gonna get a real bad headache. If your dog gets a real bad headache, it's gonna be grumpy. B, a refrigerator can be top-heavy. One good gust of wind can squish Old Faithful flat (flat dog = crying kids). Third, purchase a washing machine converted into a dog house. You will enjoy a lower center of gravity and without freon , it is environmentally friendly. I have an old Maytag modified with some Hodaka Super Rat components that works just fine. It's a classic. And my Rott, 3-Foot just loves it. He is a lot smarter than old 2-Foot.

by Anonymous on Apr 17, 2001 - 07:21 PM
1. How much for the Maytag and do you offer financing? My old dog four foot has one foot in the grave after he ate the freon coil, you were a little late on the advice but thanks anyway.

by roscoe on Apr 19, 2001 - 04:00 PM
That Super Rat Maytag is not for sale. It is just a demonstrator. Now, I do have an avocado KawaMana I could put four foot into in just 41 or 42 easy payments . Sorry to hear the old pup is under the weather. He may come around in a few days. Maybe he can use a little Pepto & 7up, that always makes a rumblegut feel better.

by Anonymous on Apr 19, 2001 - 07:19 PM
My neighbor has a nice motorhome that I might trade you for the house. Do you barter?

by wyatt ( on Apr 25, 2001 - 04:57 PM
I'd like to make mention of the fact that I bought one of Roscoes Washing MAchine dog houses and my dog aint one damn bit cleaner than when I first put him in the contraption. The Rinse cycle is broken and spin dry just made my dog throw up. So what gives? I want my neighbors motor home I traded you for it back!

by roscoe on Apr 26, 2001 - 03:41 PM
I'm sorry, there will be no refund on the motorhome. I traded it to my neighbor Freak Show Roy for a chimpanzee named Diablo. Freak Show was going on the road and needed a tour bus. He said that monkey was a prime ape so I figured he was pretty smart and I could teach him to strip out washing machines. Since I don't speak Spanish I named him Tater (Tater Chimp, get it?). Well, things just got worse after that. It took an hour-and-a-half to wrestle Tater into his coveralls . He wouldn't keep his tools organized and all he wanted to do was pick bugs off the dogs.

The other day at lunch, Tater went nuts . He jumped up on the table, stripped himself naked, and started playing with his fish stick and hush puppies. He screamed and threw food everywhere. Old Two Foot sat there howling and confused. He's got a cataract in one eye , a sty on the other and his good ear was full of coleslaw . I thought that I would never get things to calm down.

So , if you have problems with your new dog palace, you can bring it back. But, your taken the monkey !

by wyatt ( on Apr 26, 2001 - 05:01 PM
I'll take the Chimp and put him to work detailing cars. Monkey Shines Detailing will be the name of my company.Does he eat people food?

by roscoe on Apr 28, 2001 - 08:03 PM
Freak Show told me Feed that ape what you eat. One thing is certain, he doesn't like seafood. Otherwise, he eats almost anything. Be careful. If you set him to work detail on cars, he is liable to start eaten turtle wax like chip dip. I don't know if he likes the wax or if he likes the turtle, but he can sure power that stuff down. Burritos and bananas!!! Do not feed him burritos and bananas! WHEW!!!

If you want this monkey for your car business, let's figure out a deal. Maybe we can trade some detailing on my new dog house palace line. A good buff and wax on household appliances can make them look like new .

by Anonymous on Apr 28, 2001 - 11:56 PM
No deal! Your Monkey is mine, and if you want to start trouble then you ask the little fool monkey who he wants to live with? ME IS the correct answer you monkey hogging fool!

by Anonymous on May 01, 2001 - 11:02 PM
Roscoe, looks like weve got a real crack pot on the Forum. Monkey Hogging fool?

by roscoe on May 02, 2001 - 05:26 PM
OK Mister , it's a done deal. Spit and a handshake that monkey is yours . No more questions, arguments, promises, warranties or refunds... He is your monkey. May he bring to you all the joy and happiness that he gave me. In some ways I hate to see him go but, in most ways I say good luck and don't let him into the tequilas. He can be a mean drunk.

by Anonymous on May 02, 2001 - 07:02 PM
Not so fast there slicky! Keep away him away from the Tequila? I never trust a monkey that cant hold its liqour, find some other sucker! Now I recognise you for being one of those slick, fast talkin sophistimiticated con-men, I aint biten, fish is dumber waters slicky.Deals off!

by roscoe on May 02, 2001 - 07:49 PM
It's the darnest thing, just as I thought I was stuck with that monkey I fell into a gold mine. After dinner Tater got mad because I would not let him watch Adam 12 on the telvision set. Well, he got up and ripped the air-conditioner right out of the window! As he threw a fit around the garage, the insides fell out of that air-conditioner. With a little more work and some plexi-glass , it's going to make a great hamster or Guinea pig habitat. It needs a little more research and development because right now that motor driven exercise wheel really tuckers the little guys out. I'll grab the sprockets and chain from an old YZ and change the gearing. Thanks to that chimpanzee, I have a new product line . I'm gonna make millions!!

by baker ( on May 02, 2001 - 08:51 PM
Tread lightly my friend, I hold the Patent to the habitat cooler. My brain thought it up not your monkey.

by charlie on May 04, 2001 - 09:59 AM
Well I'm glad to see our web site is doing good service to those who need some safe place to hide. Roscoe, do you have any thing for my cat? 22 pound simese and meaner than hell. She killed 11 men in 9 minutes, she is hungry and must be fed daily, I just don't have it in me any more, old age and being banned from Osco dosen't help. Osco and Roscoe, they rhyme, they both treat cyapedigo, but one wears a diaper and one sells a diaper. A canoe tips and the pricks on the out side of a porcupine. Gotta go lick my wounds, thank dog I'm not injured where I can't lick. Waiting to cage a kitty in Cadiz. The moral to this story is if you can't remember the joke just blurt out the punch line, chances are we've all heard the joke before.
Help my cat.

by wyatt ( on May 04, 2001 - 10:18 AM
I have an old dryer, could that be converted to a exercise wheel for a gerbil who has a bad case of giganticism? I live near a nuculer plant.

by roscoe on May 04, 2001 - 08:21 PM
Charlie, HUH ? What did Wyatt's radioactive gerbil say to Charlie when he was hungry? Here kitty kitty! Now, that is a punch line. Has George W. Bush been writing your material? I have a monkey who's a tree climbing, p@@p flinging brain trust compared to that babble . What do you do for a 22 lb. cat? Well, I'm not really a cat type person so I'll just say buy nice big tupper-ware with a good seal. Otherwise, come on down to the monkey house . . .err, uh... design department. We'll hang an old Yokohama knobby tire for a swing and put Tater to work on your new cat house.

Wyatt, you could be on to something here. If there were some way to plug this glow in the dark Super rat in to that dryer, it might be the purest form of potential energy. A rodent dynamo! Hook that beast up to a turbine and power California!

by Anonymous on May 05, 2001 - 01:47 AM
Power California? We only need just enough to shift the fault line just a tinsey bit, then my Nevada properties will finally be a smart investment.

by charlie on May 05, 2001 - 10:24 AM
Does California have a delete button? I know my cat does, you tickel that one spot and she is gone. Roscoe's monkey found out the hard way when we visited the design department. ( Boy was that a suprise, design slum is a better description ) Washing machines stacked up with wrecked cycles every where in the mud. Dogs and monkeys peeking out of every appliance, I must say Roscoe sure tests his product before offering them up for sale. Feral hogs protected the compound and Roscoe just sat there on his porch with a shot gun across his lap. Yea, I bought one of his machines but I don't think I will go back to pick it up, I'll just kiss the $290 good bye and thank dog I excaped with my life. He can have the cat too!

by wyatt ( on May 05, 2001 - 11:57 AM
You know what they say:
Pigs get fat,
Hogs get slaughtered.

by roscoe on May 07, 2001 - 08:23 PM
That Charlie fellow called the other day and said he wanted to see the showroom. He said he wanted a dog house for his cat. I figure a sale is a sale so, I gave him directions. He sure asked a lot of questions on the telephone and when he finally got here he sure seemed nervous... Real jumpy. Kept turning around and checking his back pocket like he forgot his wallet. My guess was that he's a cat person and the dogs must have made him skittish. He finally decided on a harvest gold Kenmorazuki . He helped cart it out to the end of the drive , paid for it, and said that he would be back to pick it up later. I haven't seen him since. I thought, maybe he didn't like the place but then he wrote that letter to this bulletin board thing.

I can only tell you that his eloquent word picture could only begin to capture its true majasty . To see the place at sunset, an amber cascade twinkles off motorcycle chrome and reflects from those home appliances like a fiery waterfall. It will leave you choked up on natures splinder. My true love Griselda called it "God's Little Acre" until she run off .

by Anonymous on May 07, 2001 - 10:57 PM

by wyatt ( on May 08, 2001 - 02:44 PM
If there is one thing I knows and thats womens and Roscoe Griselda aint comin home to "Gods little Acre". Take her things and feed em to your hogs. Maybe you should get yourself a Sheep and a pair of velcro Chaps.Sheep houses could be the next big thing. Call some old dry cleaners maybe industrial king size warshers can house a sheep suitably.

by roscoe on May 13, 2001 - 07:54 PM
That Wyatt fellow just showed an ugly side. Sheep? NO!!! I've been thinking. If I'm going to win Griselda back , I'm going to have to win her emotions by writing stuff and sending stuff to her. Here goes...

Ode to Griselda

She Won't Come Back. No Matter How I Beg Her.
She Hates Me So Bad
She Burned Down The Trailer.
Those New Tires For The House Won't Fit Nothing Else.

They Were Round, Just The Thing.
Fitting Like Her Wedding Ring.
They Were Shiney And Nice But,
Now They're As Flat As My Hart.

She left me for some jerk. A swapmeet Picasso.
Who tattooed on her thigh, a picture
Our boozing Lhasa-Apso.
She took it with her but I'm glad,
that dog's a mean drunk anyway.

Now I Feel Lower Than My Junk Yard Wiener Dog.
Because My Sweehart's Run Away, With A Biker Gal Called Hog.
I'm So Sad And I'm So Blue
I Don't Know What To Do.
I Feel Lower Than a Junk Yard Wiener Dog.

by Anonymous on May 13, 2001 - 10:46 PM
Son, its hard to compete with swap meet Picasso types. Save your writings for a real woman who will love and respect you for the Warsher/ dawg haus acceptspurt that you is. Maybe the next used warsher trade show you can find your self a woman worthy of a man with your unique talents...Sorry about the sheep joke. I know a woman who might be just right for you, she is the famous Jesco Whites (The Dancing Outlaw) sister and although she is missing,maybe, just maybe you are the one who will find this charming woman. Best of luck and more inormation on her can be found on Jescoe (Jesse or Elvis) Whites "The Dancing Outlaw" website. Good luck and keep writing your poems and convertin your warshers. Wyatt

by Anonymous on Jun 06, 2001 - 04:13 AM
I just stripped my dish washer of its little slotted racks and discovered that it was ideal for staging miniture clamation plays that had story lines based around tropical rain storms and hot humid winds. My first production will be based upon the life of "Hurricane Gussy"! Could you lend me some clay,a dishwasher,a generator,a garden hose, a spigot,a handfull of sulfur and some very small coconuts?

by roscoe on Jun 07, 2001 - 02:58 AM
Staging play productions are you? Say Mister, are you that Mathew Broderic fellow who's married to Sara Jessica Parker? They've been talking about you on another part of this web site. Boy, she's a sweetie. She sure seems busy with that hit TV show. You must have a lot of time on your hands. I don't know about clay animation or the tools you'll need to get started. I do have an old front load whirlpool that I will let you have cheap. I don't have generators though I do have an old Ossa that I found crashed into a chicken coop once. . . I have no clue how it got there. I figure maybe we can hook the magnito to one of those cigarette lighter, plug-in and verters and see if we get enough juice to turn it over. As far as that other stuff, you'll have to round it up yourself. I'm not much for those Broadway productions. I find they're run by a bunch of hippies. I'll tell you one thing, if I find out you are a hippie, I'll put the dogs after you. Oh yeh Mister, its cash upfront no lending!

by roscoe on Jun 27, 2001 - 03:15 PM
The bozos running my small-cap mutual fund decided to stick with those Dot Com ventures even though they were bleeding like they had been through the slaughterhouse. They somehow didn't understand that if the president of the United States was an oil man, they should consider investing in petroleum. It doesn't matter the president wants to suck all the oil out from under Alaska and oil companies are gonna get fat. More power to them, I say. If the next generation X expects us to conserve and leave all the oil to them, they should wake up and smell the transmission fluid. They should get off their lazy backsides and invent a new energy source. If we conserve energy, they will just sit back and figure that there is plenty to spare. If they panic now, they will see it is necessary to be smarter and they will study harder in school.

To make along story short, the old retirement egg tanked . To try and catch up on the money situation, I've been out in the yard slashing prices on everything that I could see including all of the stuff that the landfill would not take. EVERYTHING MUST GO! I HACKED PRICES TO THE BARE WALLS! Even Two-Foot as a price tag. (keep in mind that he doesn't get around quick because he only has feet on the keddy-corners. That's why the neighborhood kids sometimes call him Wiggles or Roll-o. )

by Anonymous on Jun 29, 2001 - 12:32 AM
Dotcom kinda rhymes with Dotgone dont it?

by wyatt ( on Jul 10, 2001 - 11:09 PM
New energy source ideas:1. Old Politicians
2.Young Politicians
3.Dead Politicians
4.Jerry Springers Guests
6.Myopic enviromentilists
7.Stock brokers
8.Financial Advisors
9.Old Growth Redwoods
11.Old Cigarette packs from behind the couch
12.Firestone Tyres
13.Outdated Maps of Russia
14. Any and all instruction manuals
15. Your neighbors limbs which hang over your yard which by the way is your property!
16. Small stuff you dont need.
17. Small stuff your neighbor does not need.
18.Worthless refrigerators that have been converted into
dog houses that rats wouldn't even go into let alone mans best friend.
19. All loosing lottery tickets
20. Convert friction energy from scratch of lottery tickets into heat for the freezing Eskimos.

by charlie on Jul 11, 2001 - 09:22 AM
21 Joshies brain22 Mark fell down
23 Abe's girl friend
24 self tanning lotion
25 empty beer vessels

by wyatt ( on Jul 11, 2001 - 07:09 PM
26,27,28 & 29. Charlies outsie belly button.

by roscoe on Jul 31, 2001 - 09:08 PM
My uncle always said "On starless nights , tires won't smoke when you burn them". I guess photosynthesis must have something to do with them smoking in the daylight. We've got plenty of them lying around now that all the SUVs have new ones. Now There is an energy source!

by roscoe on Jul 31, 2001 - 09:10 PM
My uncle always said "On starless nights , tires won't smoke when you burn them". I guess photosynthesis must have something to do with them smoking in the daylight. We've got plenty of them lying around now that all the SUVs have new ones. Now There is an energy source!

by roscoe on Jul 31, 2001 - 09:16 PM
Well the big inventory reduction sale is over and anything left has been pushed into the ravine. A bit of good luck though... I had an old Nordge prototype that I suspected was worth something. I kept a tarp over it special, to keep water out and the bird stuff off of it. Rather than letting it go to somebody real cheap, I decided to sell it on the Internet . Well , the bidding went nuts. I ended up selling to some computer fellow from Seattle, Washington (the state). You wouldn't believe by looking at it , but that washing machine was worth a bundle ! That's it folks , it's early retirement for me .

I've been sitting here for a few days wondering; what do I do with that G O B of money? I've always liked racing. It didn't matter, anything that had wheels would do. Big wheels, bicycles, motorcycles were all fun. Now, I get a bunch of cash and I want to go fast! My first incline... NASCAR!! Load your checkbook and buddies in a truck and go racing. Second, I figure do that gumball rally, just like the great actor Gary Busey. Then I figure, settle down and take it easy. I tell myself "Don't spend that money to fast ". There's a lot of this world I haven't seen yet and it's time I did. So I bought back that motorhome from Freak Show and turned to the horizon. I'm hitting the road. Tater, Lorileelee and I are off to find waves of amber grain, mountains majestic, and seas shining. Here we come, Michigan !

by wyatt ( on Aug 01, 2001 - 12:04 AM
Worlds largest cherry pie was made in Michigan near that big lake in a
town who's name I cant recall, but dont miss it its the real deal!

dog house - A Roscoe History Part Two

Long ago, on a distant bulletin board

by baker ( on Apr 11, 2001 - 02:04 PM
Roscoe does not exist, like Santa Claus does not exist,like the tooth ferry, Paul Bunyan,the Yeti, Unicorns, Seamonsters, Ghosts and Mountain bikers who build their own trails. Give it up!

by roscoe on Apr 18, 2001 - 09:48 AM
Mr. Baker,

I have read your critique on the public bulletin board and I have always thought that criticism is OK if it is constructive . I must admit I don't care about unicorns or Mountain bikers so, I will have to give you that. You don't like Santa Claus, Paul Bunnyan, or the majestic Yeti . well, there's something plainly wrong about that. Possibly, you didn't get the right bicycle at Christmas. Maybe you don't like pancakes so big , that they must be served with shovels. I'll guess that you don't believe in UFOs either. when you disspell the Yeti , you attack its American cousin the mighty big foot.

I learned of the big foot and the study of cryptozoology in general while researching the humble honey badger. I thought the honey badger was only a legend perpetuated by our good friend wyatt. However, I soon learned it is very real. In my study of cryptozoology, I've learned that there is a very high concentration of big foot sightings in Ohio. It is strange times in which we live. Today, basketball players make millions of dollars selling shoes. Why should we believe that ? It is easy to be skeptical of things that we do not understand. But let me assure you that you shouldn't be blinded by things that you can't see.

I worked for a company that makes equipment for airports including military airports. We once had the opportunity to ship equipment to Nevada. Normally, a representative from our company would accompany the shipment and provide instruction on its operation. This time someone from the Air Force suggested they send their people to the plant for their training. We immediately guessed the shipment was destined for " Area 51 ". When the " captain" arrived, he denied everything concerning area 51 and of course told us that if he said anything , he would have to kill us. We laughed fearing him and someone asked " but seriously what happens there? " the captain replied " you'll sleep better not knowing what happens there . Besides , all of the UFOs have been moved to Wright Patterson field in Ohio. "

By now, Mr. Baker, I hope you see a pattern that is before you. Big foot, is living in Ohio and working as a UFO pilot. The reason you don't see big foot is likely because of the results of some diabolical reconstructive surgery and the reason you see no big footprints is because big foot is wearing shoes. Believe it if you want . Roscoe may be an enigma boxed in a conundrum, and wrapped in a riddle. Believe that if you want.

by Anonymous on Apr 18, 2001 - 03:20 PM
Roscoe I was born and lived near Wright and Patterson Airforce Base and let me assure you if you continue to conjure up such nonsense I will have you abducted..err I mean committed. You are a fine example of an all American "Crack Pot" but dont think that will protect you from the men in black. There are no Yetis, Paul Bunyan is not real and Bigfoot is just a gasoline chain that sells excellent fountain cokes that they let you pour yourself!
Area 51 is nothing more than a place the government tests embarrassing projects that dont work, they propagate the myth of UFO's to sell souvenirs and collect the tax revenue from yo yo's who have no business with money anyhow! What else is a desert good for? Other than riding dirt bikes in, and keeping "Crack Pot" environmentalists busy giving their money to protect areas they will never venture into, they see a PBS special and all of a sudden they panic and want to bar anyone but tumble weeds from visiting . So my friend Roscoe fetch your best tumble weed suit and lets go visit the desert and forget all about Wright and Patterson Air Force Base and area 51 or 2 or whatever that name was, just forget my friend, forget, lets talk about things a little more rooted in reality. Did I tell you I was going to win the Mooch Cup...

by roscoe on Apr 19, 2001 - 08:44 AM
To lump crackpots and environmentalists together is an insult to crackpots. A spotted turtle , minding its own business in the desert , gets squished by a big motorcycle. Freak out , certain that is the last turtle ever. When was the last time you drove down the highway and saw a turtle mashed on the center line. You don't see it that often, and the ones dumb enough to play in the the road should be put out of their misery. The smart turtles are playing among the rocks where they should be .

Better to be called a crackpot and to find your reality entertaining, than to live life in dilution . " Area 51 is nothing more than a place the government tests embarrassing projects that dont work,... " You say that with confidence. Almost, as if you have actually been there. It's one thing to say UFOs may exist. It is another, to say that you have driven one.

Yetis, UFOs , and big foot... urban legends to entertain and amuse around a campfire. The best urban legend yet must be " anonymous " winning the Mooch Cup.

by wyatt ( on Apr 25, 2001 - 09:49 AM
Anonymous is going to win the th Mooch Cup of that you can be sure. Anonymous does apologize for dissing crack pots...sorry. Anonymous has driven a UFO and they don't handle anything like anonymous's KTM, but of course UFO's do not exist so forget that I mentioned piloting nothing. I dont know much about urban legends but that does remind me of the worlds best movie ever made and that would be "Urban Cowboy", wow! what a flick!!!
Your making anonymous nervous with all this area 51 talk, so lets talk about the brilliant performance of John Travolta in Urban Cowboy. Whats say?

by Anonymous on Apr 26, 2001 - 03:25 AM
I am from Thailand and I find all of this very offending! We have a big foot here, but we call him Feo Americano.

by wyatt ( on Apr 25, 2001 - 09:51 AM
I know Roscoes phone # and it is for sale. Highest bidder gets to harrass him in real time.

by roscoe on Apr 30, 2001 - 07:55 AM
The telephone number is 555-364 -9274. That is, 555 DOG WASH . Our friends from Thailand will receive 5% off any purchase before Cinco de Mayo .

by Anonymous on Apr 30, 2001 - 08:57 AM
I know how you crackpots work, afer Cinco de Mayo, the sale will be extended until Cinco de Juneo...Then Cinco de Julyo, Cinco de Augusto etc... Anonyomous observer from Thailand.

by Anonymous on May 01, 2001 - 02:27 PM
who really is this roscoe and why do he wash dogs. are we to assume cleanliness before consumption or is this a mandrin quality for companionship beyond the call by which dogs are known?

by Anonymous on May 01, 2001 - 03:57 PM
My dog had what I thought was consumption but I followed an old mustard plaster recipe of my grandmas and by golly to this day ole barky is fit as a fiddle. Barky loves his Maytagavarna and I am sure you would to.Buy your dog one of Roscoe's reconditioned Washing machines/Motorcycle/Dog Houses and and expect the quality that has been associated with Roscoe Inc. since its Conception sometime in 1960. "Cause when you buy Roscoe, you buy what you get."

by Anonymous on May 02, 2001 - 12:08 PM
what in tarnation would sparky do with a motorcycle and a washing machine mister? you spoil your dog but not like i spoil mine.

by roscoe on May 02, 2001 - 12:24 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, a public-service announcement... Please do not put your pets into washing machines. Your pet will not enjoy being whirled about as if it were on a carnival ride. To not wash , agitate, spin, or tumble dry your pet in a machine. It seems anonymous is confused about dog houses made from old washing machines. He seems to think that they are meant to be used as a dog salon. In order to avoid further confusion , I've changed my phone number to 555-364-4287. That's 555-DOG HAUS .

WashDog house designs are deeply rooted in the tradition of the Bauhaus. Architects Meis van der Rohe, Walter Gropius, le Corbu formed a new art school that would integrate art and technology, combine the artisan and craftsman, and apply new ideas to architecture. Now, the practicality of a renovated washing machine is matched to the precision tooling of a fine motorcycle to shelter your beloved pup. And you can stack them .

by wyatt ( on May 04, 2001 - 03:22 AM
Bauwowhouse? I prefer archtecture from the fast food discipline. Golden Archs, Big Boy,Stuckeys if you will etc.

by Anonymous on May 04, 2001 - 02:00 PM
i like pizza, treetops and dragon biscuits. to late for the public service announcement. old sparkies resting with the dingos

by wyatt ( on May 05, 2001 - 03:21 AM
Dingo smingo, the hyena will bite your face off in your sleep! There is not a more loathsome creature in all of Africa, a single Hyena could take out a pack of Dingos before you could say,"Harley wont start".

by baker ( on May 05, 2001 - 04:08 PM
i appreciate your conjecture as to the most feriocus dog or land scavanger on the planet. it is a well known fact that the dingo was disseminated from aulstriala to the comoros islands via a percipitous swim made possible by their superior epithelium which wore thin by the time they reached africa and met their cousins the monkey. hyenas are nothing more than a worn down version of the dingo!

by Anonymous on May 07, 2001 - 02:48 AM
Let me get this straight. Dingos swam to Africa and became monkeys? or is it they swam to africa with a short lay over in the Comoros Islands and through the friction of all that swimming their "Epithelium" wore thin? I am confused was it the Hyena that swam from Africa to Australia. Hyenas are ancestors of Dingos who migrated ("disseminated") from Australia and then returned with Aborgines riding on their backs. Who then in turned killed the giant snakes, sloths and lizards some 40,000 years ago.
I think its in your best interest to stop the pedantic bull throw away your thesaurus and leave monkeys out of the whole mix. I beg of you for your own good, throw your thesaurus as far from your bathroom/computer room as your little white bony army will throw. Then lean over and drop it into the toliet and flush.

by roscoe on May 07, 2001 - 01:28 PM
i have a nice Didjeridoo!

by baker ( on May 07, 2001 - 03:07 PM
all i am trying to say is dingos good hyenas bad except when there eating things they shouldnut

by Anonymous on May 07, 2001 - 04:00 PM
Me arse! You talk crazy! I go bed now.

by baker ( on May 08, 2001 - 03:20 PM
dear wyatt, i must say i was very impressed and gratefull to be a part of your fabulous photo shoot for trail rider magazine. the somatic nature of the shoot was outstanding. if anyone would like sneak peaks please email me as pictures are available.

by Anonymous on May 09, 2001 - 03:45 PM
The Oxford English Dictionary defines Somatic as "Of or pertaining to
the (or a) body; bodily, corporeal, physical". In other words we took some pictures of some girls who were cute and had nice bodies.They were next to my bike and probably would be offended if they were mentioned in the same sentence as "corporeal".

by wyatt ( on May 18, 2001 - 05:35 AM
Rosoce help me out on this. Are Dingos superior to Hyenas or are Hyenas as I suspect the superior to Dingos. Also with your live stock experience would it be possible to breed my Emu to my Hyena and come up with a new hybrid and possibly a commercial meat sourch that lives on carrion and frightens away prowlers. Your thoughts please.

by roscoe on May 19, 2001 - 12:02 PM
I don't know about hyenas or dingos . I do know dingos are held responsible for eating Merrill Streep's baby. I also know that was one funny hyena on the cartoon with Libby the Lion.

How should I know what happens when you breed an Emu with an hyena? I doubt you'll realize the result you hope to find. Recently, it was discovered human genetics are much less complicated than first expected. This is good in that future developments in medical procedures can benefit humans and provide remedies or even cures to debilitating illnesses. It is bad that we as humans can no longer consider ourselves superior in the animal world. The animal world will no longer tolerate our arrogance. You are cooking a Genetic stew which can only cause problems. A feathery quadra-ped , 6 ft. tall with fangs and a blood lust may find us cowering or willing to offer our young as sacrifices. More likely, you will find a very large ostrich-like , hairy bird that laughs at its own poop jokes.

by Anonymous on May 19, 2001 - 05:27 PM
I laugh now... Just like Marilyn Monroe suggesting to the Nobel Prize winner if they were to mate, "imagine"? the idea of her looks and his smarts and he suggested that it could be his looks and her smarts...I go bed now...
We were born slimy,bloody and screaming.Then we wash, grow old, die and stop screaming.

When you die, your finger nails and hair continue to grow but your phone calls seem to taper off....So whats wrong with laughing at ones own poop jokes?

by Anonymous on May 20, 2001 - 09:47 AM
Roscoe I have long respected your expertise in animal husbandry and also your skill as a warshing machine artist, however I am going ahead with my plan of mating my Emu to my Hyena it will be called a enamu. I weighed your arguments and decided that I was willing to take the risk. Mass extinctions being the norm in this days society, I take it upon myself to repopulate the world with new unusual hybrids of animals. The enamu is just the begining my friend, your help is invited, please join me in creating animals and plants that may someday help us cure cancer or even tourettes syndrome.Disease's which are now hopeless to even try to spell could be treated from what we learn from our new breeds of plants and animals. Cat/Cow...Large mouth Bass/ Turnip...Kyte/Tapir...Onion/Banana and on and on and etc. Join me and help save humanity or ignore me and watch me save humanity, the choice is up to you.

by roscoe on May 21, 2001 - 10:53 AM
Anonymous, it seems you are living on the Island of Dr. Moreau . Not the entertaining one written by H. G. Wells, or the fun one portrayed in the movie produced in 1933. You are playing in the bad one starring Marlin Brando . Well, if you are Marlin Brando , I'll be Val Kilmer (hello ladies) . So, here it goes tubby ...

The Cat/Cow- I envision a bovine/feline mixture happily chasing a two foot diameter ball of twine and playfully batting at butterflies. I also see this fuzzy beast cleaning itself on the living room carpet and coughing up fur balls the size of your head.

The large mouth bass/Turnip -the large mouth bass is a good eat . Turnips are not. Don't mess with a good thing.

The Kyte/Tapir -the unfortunate Tapir is burdened by dragging tinder appendages upon the ground. Don't wish this on the Kyte .

The onion/banana-the Revolutionary Banonion may show promise . Just think of ordering the Banonion daiquiri at 2:45 a.m. for that sexy barfly who insists dragon breath punches her button .

If you want , I'll give you "Freak Show" Roy's cellphone number and maybe he can find a spot for you in his next tour . Good luck Doc . Good luck humanity. The horror... The horror .....

by Anonymous on May 26, 2001 - 07:39 AM
"The Heart of Darkness" is the Joesph Conrad Novel that the particular Marlon Brando movie you are refering to is based upon.With that I would ask that you kindly give me "Freak Show Roys" # so I can "make him an offer he cant refuse". I have just combined an electric eel with a porupine for my extreme petting zoo that Freak Show and myself could probably make a success. I am currently trying to combine a Wolverine with the common tapeworm for what purpose I dont know, just idle curiousity I suppose. Keep me posted
Tuan Wyatt

by roscoe on Jun 01, 2001 - 03:54 PM
I told Freak Show Roy about your new business venture and he grew as giddy as a schoolboy telling his first " pull my finger " joke. He shined, babbling about how nature provides animals with defense mechanisms and elaborated on the laws of natural selection. He told of the duck billed platypus sporting poisonous spurs on its back legs... The only mammal to own them. He praised the Annaconda for its many teeth and tenacity. I tell you Anonymous, you have made the man happier than he has been in years.

He showed me sketches of hybrid animals bred for the very purpose of an extreme petting zoo. He said those candy fed, softies can have their X-sports like helicopter skiing and street luge. "Stick their arm in a cage with a 30 lb. HARMADILLO and listen to them whine like babies." He said the BUNNIGATOR will not only attract people to the petting zoo, it also has potential in the fashion industry. Apparently its furry back and scaled belly have great economic value. The CARNIMOLE is for the most extreme zoo patron. It not only tunnels through your yard but also under your skin.

So Anonymous, Freak Show is more than interested in your business venture but let me tell you, don't let the old guy down. If he gets mad at you, things can get very weird.

by Anonymous on Jun 04, 2001 - 10:19 PM
Roscoe, I met Side Show recently and sneaked a piece of his DNA off a cue tip I had slipped into is jaw hole under the pretence that I was checking for "The Rabies".I have combined his DNA with Sarah Jessica Parkers and now I think we have the potential for a new cable hit which we will call "Sex in the side show" poor Matthew Broderick will just have to look on and pretend he enjoys Broadway.You of course understand sideshow is not to hear a word of my plan/ploy, and if Broderick axes tell him the stage is where real actors live and he is acting on the edge and every pansie in stage thinks he is just grand, in fact fabulous!

Posted under duress...JW

PS. Axe Skip B next time you see him to have the spell check checked causein I thinken I spele badlee rong.

by roscoe on Jun 05, 2001 - 05:53 PM
Last night I woke up a bit hungry so I decided to fix something to eat. I needed to find the handle for the skillet so I went to the garage . . . arr um, research and development lab to find my vise grips. Not exactly to my surprise, I found Freak Show passed out on the floor and Tater was, well drunk as a monkey. I tried waking Freak, but he would only roll over and mutter something about new tattoos. He finally sat up against the bar and sloppily explained how by gaining weight he would make more room on his body for a few new tattoos. The idea seemed plausible except for the fact that some time during the night Freak Show apparently fell into the blender while mixing banana liquor drinks.

It's hard to take a man serious when he has a kitchen appliance entangled in his beard and a 200 pound chimpanzee is using the electrical cord as a jump rope. I found my bacon tongs and went back inside the house leaving them hugging each other and singing as drunk men sometimes do.

Wyatt, you seem a lot smarter about this gene splicing thanI know about. I have one question for you. Will alcohol have any effect on the DNA sample? My fear is that if you obtained DNA while Freak was passed out, Sara Jessica Parker will be very disappointed with the results. In years to come I envision a young woman who is as cute as a button but has a very mean temper . . . say, Sharon Stone . I know there is a direct correlation between the use of alcohol and being abducted by alien UFOs.

by Anonymous on Jun 05, 2001 - 09:03 PM
Scoe, I do know that studies have been conducted and that if you are under the influence of alcohol there is no more of a chance that you will be abducted by aliens than if you were sober as a Preacher/Judge, with his hands cuffed behind his back on Sunday with his mouth sewn shut...However if you happen to drive a pickup truck and have alcohol in your bloodstream then chances are you will be abducted,probed and released near an artistic dance club, and much to your wifes surprise the aliens will have robbed you of every dollar bill you had.
PS: Those were my bacon tongs and could you please return my stainless steel bacon tray....
What does this have to do with motorcycles and a motorcycle theme website? Well I was abducted once't while riding a motorcycle near an artistic dance club.

by roscoe on Jun 06, 2001 - 08:01 PM
I can't believe it! Smash Broadway, hit sensation, Mathew Broderic just bought a front load dishwasher and an Ossa ! Said his wife's been working steady and he had some time to finish up some projects. He said he wanted to make clay figurines and put on stage plays. I guess he's gonna use the heating element to kiln dry those. He seemed a bit upset. I guess he must of heard the rumor about his wife taking up with a carnival man. That's enough to put anybody in the dumps. I invited him to an artistic dance club to cheer him up but he didn't seem interested. He must be worried about alien abductions too.

by Anonymous on Jun 15, 2001 - 10:49 PM
As well he should, the little twerp. Bet the little twit couldnt pull a fish hook out of his own cheek!Twit, Idiot, bozo and hillbilly is all I has to say bout the 'Hollywood hotshot"!...I go bed now.

by roscoe on Jun 27, 2001 - 07:27 AM
The other night I met a lady who is really neat. I ran into her at one of the old neighborhood watering holes. There she was, dressed in dark corduroy pants, a "born to ride" tube top, and a bandanna. Well, those sophisticated types have always taken me. Finally worked up the courage to by her a tequila shooter. When I offered the drink to her, she turned around and with the extra long cigarette cradled in her warm smile she said, " sure thing cowboy but let me go to the can first ". I swear black rooted, blond haired women are hot! While she was gone, I sat there wondering what she was like. So I did what most anybody would do, I started going through her purse. She had the typical stuff. But when I got to that little purse that holds her cigarettes, I couldn't believe it; she had the tour schedule for the MARSHAL TUCKER BAND! (They are at Lincoln Park Speedway on July 1st in Putnamville, Indiana) I couldn't believe I was talking to somebody that sophisticated. it's crazy I know , but a gal like that could make me forget about Griselda .

by roscoe on Jun 27, 2001 - 09:24 AM
I knew there would be a bunch of questions that I should ask her if I was going to figure her out. Most things you can learn about a person by what they say or how they act. You can many times by discussion or even argument find out what it person is like. If she can't get past some of the things you do or say, the problem can be resolved by argument or in court. Even then, some arguments are too big to settle in court. After a lot of study, it comes down to three important questions a couple should ask each other. If I asked her, She would get spooked and run off or answer them and clear the air. Why spend months or years getting to know a person if they're gonna bushwhack you behind your back.

One. Are you now or have you been in an hmo, hetero, or bi-curious relationship that will make me mad later on?

Two. Have you ever been a ho or acted in a porno for money?

Three , and most important. Are you now, or have you ever been a guy?

If the answers to these questions can terminate a relationship, going on the Jerry Springer show is the only way to help you past these obstacles . There is a very long line . Well, I popped the questions and she passed the Jerry Springer test by saying " heck no" to all three. She's perfect!

by Anonymous on Jun 28, 2001 - 05:38 PM
All I can say Roscoe is "God Bless". and does she have any sisters and is her mother single or willin?

by wyatt ( on Jul 10, 2001 - 03:46 PM
Long time ago I knew a woman like the one Roscoe speaks of so passionatly. She had many braids in her hair aunt Helen tied and she liked talking about daddy. "Daddy can level a trailer bedder than any man North or West of the New River". " Daddy never borrowed my smokes without buying me a whole new pack later". " Daddy wouldnt had done that lest he was drunk, Daddy good people". I loved this woman but I never did get along with her"Daddy" so she's gone and she took my heart with her and I think she gave it to her Daddy to throw at the hogs.
My heart grew back and now I only have a dog, an old "Steens" mini bike a few dollars to throw to the bums and another dog that I dont tell many people about, I dont know why.
Roscoe: May your wings of desire find a romantic updraft as warm and comforting as a Grandfathers fart.

by roscoe on Jul 31, 2001 - 02:21 PM
Lorileelee ... passed the Jerry Springer quizz with flying colors. I cashed in the inventory and now have enough money to see the world. Life is looking pretty good. We packed up the motorhome and are nearly ready to hit the road. It has a neat camouflage paint job . I extended the rear bumper and added a couple of pieces of channel. By using some old seat belts, I am able to tie the KTM and Bultaco on back in a matter of minutes. Then, I stretch military cargo netting from the bumper, up and over the back of the camper so Tater can have some place to play. It's easy, we just slide open the back window and he climbs out. The only problem is his wrestling with the rooftop air conditioner (you know what I mean? ). Sometimes he grabs overhead power lines and shorts everything to the camper. it blows his fur up like a scared cat.

We're headed to Buchanan and other parts of Michigan to see what is going on. I'll be checking in now and then.

by wyatt ( on Jul 31, 2001 - 05:12 PM
Be sure to check out Cross Village it's a bit glitzy but does have the "Legs Inn" which was founded and furnished by a genuine foreigner! A not miss on the Triple Mooch tourism scale!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Mars Rovers

The Spirit and Opportunity Mars Rovers sent information that scientists may study for years. When Spirit shut down unexpectedly, NASA reported that trashing files and rebooting Spirit’s computer fixed the glitch. What really happened to Spirit we civilians won’t know. If they use common sense the fact that Spirit quit working for no apparent reason should tell the Super Nerds something. Unfortunately, a gross misinterpretation of the presented data may camouflage the truth.

What do we know?

Third kind “Close Encounters” or personal experiences take place in the middle of nowhere. They happen at night and are seen by few witnesses.

Visiting Aliens (like the US military) bring flashy, heavy equipment. To paralyze test subjects with fear, most UFOs dwarf our Earth pick-up trucks and can be “bigger than a football field”.

Alien probes make humans nervous.

What have we done?

We landed in the middle of nowhere, in broad daylight.

We sent something bigger than a breadbox with the power of a common palm size computer.

Our probes photograph a rock filled landscape and look for water.

What have we learned?

We intelligent life forms have little experience as cosmic tourists. We’re not good aliens. Because the best of our scientific smarty-pants managed to get the Spirit up there, the general public assumes that it will find the smartest Martians waiting to greet it. Yes, we landed in the middle of nowhere like the professionals but, we landed something that looks like a child’s toy. An intimidating bunny rabbit frolics in the sun and scratches at rocks.

If a Mars Rover landed here to be discovered by a pair of drunken fishermen, odds are they would “capture it to make a million”. The thought of running never enters the picture as the terror machine happily pops and zings at a pile of dirt. Native inhabitants would likely grab a stick or rock and sneak up BEHIND it. Simply bash the innocuous toaster in the head and collect the prize money.

Greed and the self-preservation instinct may be universal. Suppose a Martian Mullet-head threw rocks at Spirit to knock it off line . . . Its nature that drives a life form to cash in Las Vegas Style.