Thursday, June 23, 2005

dog house - A Roscoe History Part Two

Long ago, on a distant bulletin board

by baker ( on Apr 11, 2001 - 02:04 PM
Roscoe does not exist, like Santa Claus does not exist,like the tooth ferry, Paul Bunyan,the Yeti, Unicorns, Seamonsters, Ghosts and Mountain bikers who build their own trails. Give it up!

by roscoe on Apr 18, 2001 - 09:48 AM
Mr. Baker,

I have read your critique on the public bulletin board and I have always thought that criticism is OK if it is constructive . I must admit I don't care about unicorns or Mountain bikers so, I will have to give you that. You don't like Santa Claus, Paul Bunnyan, or the majestic Yeti . well, there's something plainly wrong about that. Possibly, you didn't get the right bicycle at Christmas. Maybe you don't like pancakes so big , that they must be served with shovels. I'll guess that you don't believe in UFOs either. when you disspell the Yeti , you attack its American cousin the mighty big foot.

I learned of the big foot and the study of cryptozoology in general while researching the humble honey badger. I thought the honey badger was only a legend perpetuated by our good friend wyatt. However, I soon learned it is very real. In my study of cryptozoology, I've learned that there is a very high concentration of big foot sightings in Ohio. It is strange times in which we live. Today, basketball players make millions of dollars selling shoes. Why should we believe that ? It is easy to be skeptical of things that we do not understand. But let me assure you that you shouldn't be blinded by things that you can't see.

I worked for a company that makes equipment for airports including military airports. We once had the opportunity to ship equipment to Nevada. Normally, a representative from our company would accompany the shipment and provide instruction on its operation. This time someone from the Air Force suggested they send their people to the plant for their training. We immediately guessed the shipment was destined for " Area 51 ". When the " captain" arrived, he denied everything concerning area 51 and of course told us that if he said anything , he would have to kill us. We laughed fearing him and someone asked " but seriously what happens there? " the captain replied " you'll sleep better not knowing what happens there . Besides , all of the UFOs have been moved to Wright Patterson field in Ohio. "

By now, Mr. Baker, I hope you see a pattern that is before you. Big foot, is living in Ohio and working as a UFO pilot. The reason you don't see big foot is likely because of the results of some diabolical reconstructive surgery and the reason you see no big footprints is because big foot is wearing shoes. Believe it if you want . Roscoe may be an enigma boxed in a conundrum, and wrapped in a riddle. Believe that if you want.

by Anonymous on Apr 18, 2001 - 03:20 PM
Roscoe I was born and lived near Wright and Patterson Airforce Base and let me assure you if you continue to conjure up such nonsense I will have you abducted..err I mean committed. You are a fine example of an all American "Crack Pot" but dont think that will protect you from the men in black. There are no Yetis, Paul Bunyan is not real and Bigfoot is just a gasoline chain that sells excellent fountain cokes that they let you pour yourself!
Area 51 is nothing more than a place the government tests embarrassing projects that dont work, they propagate the myth of UFO's to sell souvenirs and collect the tax revenue from yo yo's who have no business with money anyhow! What else is a desert good for? Other than riding dirt bikes in, and keeping "Crack Pot" environmentalists busy giving their money to protect areas they will never venture into, they see a PBS special and all of a sudden they panic and want to bar anyone but tumble weeds from visiting . So my friend Roscoe fetch your best tumble weed suit and lets go visit the desert and forget all about Wright and Patterson Air Force Base and area 51 or 2 or whatever that name was, just forget my friend, forget, lets talk about things a little more rooted in reality. Did I tell you I was going to win the Mooch Cup...

by roscoe on Apr 19, 2001 - 08:44 AM
To lump crackpots and environmentalists together is an insult to crackpots. A spotted turtle , minding its own business in the desert , gets squished by a big motorcycle. Freak out , certain that is the last turtle ever. When was the last time you drove down the highway and saw a turtle mashed on the center line. You don't see it that often, and the ones dumb enough to play in the the road should be put out of their misery. The smart turtles are playing among the rocks where they should be .

Better to be called a crackpot and to find your reality entertaining, than to live life in dilution . " Area 51 is nothing more than a place the government tests embarrassing projects that dont work,... " You say that with confidence. Almost, as if you have actually been there. It's one thing to say UFOs may exist. It is another, to say that you have driven one.

Yetis, UFOs , and big foot... urban legends to entertain and amuse around a campfire. The best urban legend yet must be " anonymous " winning the Mooch Cup.

by wyatt ( on Apr 25, 2001 - 09:49 AM
Anonymous is going to win the th Mooch Cup of that you can be sure. Anonymous does apologize for dissing crack pots...sorry. Anonymous has driven a UFO and they don't handle anything like anonymous's KTM, but of course UFO's do not exist so forget that I mentioned piloting nothing. I dont know much about urban legends but that does remind me of the worlds best movie ever made and that would be "Urban Cowboy", wow! what a flick!!!
Your making anonymous nervous with all this area 51 talk, so lets talk about the brilliant performance of John Travolta in Urban Cowboy. Whats say?

by Anonymous on Apr 26, 2001 - 03:25 AM
I am from Thailand and I find all of this very offending! We have a big foot here, but we call him Feo Americano.

by wyatt ( on Apr 25, 2001 - 09:51 AM
I know Roscoes phone # and it is for sale. Highest bidder gets to harrass him in real time.

by roscoe on Apr 30, 2001 - 07:55 AM
The telephone number is 555-364 -9274. That is, 555 DOG WASH . Our friends from Thailand will receive 5% off any purchase before Cinco de Mayo .

by Anonymous on Apr 30, 2001 - 08:57 AM
I know how you crackpots work, afer Cinco de Mayo, the sale will be extended until Cinco de Juneo...Then Cinco de Julyo, Cinco de Augusto etc... Anonyomous observer from Thailand.

by Anonymous on May 01, 2001 - 02:27 PM
who really is this roscoe and why do he wash dogs. are we to assume cleanliness before consumption or is this a mandrin quality for companionship beyond the call by which dogs are known?

by Anonymous on May 01, 2001 - 03:57 PM
My dog had what I thought was consumption but I followed an old mustard plaster recipe of my grandmas and by golly to this day ole barky is fit as a fiddle. Barky loves his Maytagavarna and I am sure you would to.Buy your dog one of Roscoe's reconditioned Washing machines/Motorcycle/Dog Houses and and expect the quality that has been associated with Roscoe Inc. since its Conception sometime in 1960. "Cause when you buy Roscoe, you buy what you get."

by Anonymous on May 02, 2001 - 12:08 PM
what in tarnation would sparky do with a motorcycle and a washing machine mister? you spoil your dog but not like i spoil mine.

by roscoe on May 02, 2001 - 12:24 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, a public-service announcement... Please do not put your pets into washing machines. Your pet will not enjoy being whirled about as if it were on a carnival ride. To not wash , agitate, spin, or tumble dry your pet in a machine. It seems anonymous is confused about dog houses made from old washing machines. He seems to think that they are meant to be used as a dog salon. In order to avoid further confusion , I've changed my phone number to 555-364-4287. That's 555-DOG HAUS .

WashDog house designs are deeply rooted in the tradition of the Bauhaus. Architects Meis van der Rohe, Walter Gropius, le Corbu formed a new art school that would integrate art and technology, combine the artisan and craftsman, and apply new ideas to architecture. Now, the practicality of a renovated washing machine is matched to the precision tooling of a fine motorcycle to shelter your beloved pup. And you can stack them .

by wyatt ( on May 04, 2001 - 03:22 AM
Bauwowhouse? I prefer archtecture from the fast food discipline. Golden Archs, Big Boy,Stuckeys if you will etc.

by Anonymous on May 04, 2001 - 02:00 PM
i like pizza, treetops and dragon biscuits. to late for the public service announcement. old sparkies resting with the dingos

by wyatt ( on May 05, 2001 - 03:21 AM
Dingo smingo, the hyena will bite your face off in your sleep! There is not a more loathsome creature in all of Africa, a single Hyena could take out a pack of Dingos before you could say,"Harley wont start".

by baker ( on May 05, 2001 - 04:08 PM
i appreciate your conjecture as to the most feriocus dog or land scavanger on the planet. it is a well known fact that the dingo was disseminated from aulstriala to the comoros islands via a percipitous swim made possible by their superior epithelium which wore thin by the time they reached africa and met their cousins the monkey. hyenas are nothing more than a worn down version of the dingo!

by Anonymous on May 07, 2001 - 02:48 AM
Let me get this straight. Dingos swam to Africa and became monkeys? or is it they swam to africa with a short lay over in the Comoros Islands and through the friction of all that swimming their "Epithelium" wore thin? I am confused was it the Hyena that swam from Africa to Australia. Hyenas are ancestors of Dingos who migrated ("disseminated") from Australia and then returned with Aborgines riding on their backs. Who then in turned killed the giant snakes, sloths and lizards some 40,000 years ago.
I think its in your best interest to stop the pedantic bull throw away your thesaurus and leave monkeys out of the whole mix. I beg of you for your own good, throw your thesaurus as far from your bathroom/computer room as your little white bony army will throw. Then lean over and drop it into the toliet and flush.

by roscoe on May 07, 2001 - 01:28 PM
i have a nice Didjeridoo!

by baker ( on May 07, 2001 - 03:07 PM
all i am trying to say is dingos good hyenas bad except when there eating things they shouldnut

by Anonymous on May 07, 2001 - 04:00 PM
Me arse! You talk crazy! I go bed now.

by baker ( on May 08, 2001 - 03:20 PM
dear wyatt, i must say i was very impressed and gratefull to be a part of your fabulous photo shoot for trail rider magazine. the somatic nature of the shoot was outstanding. if anyone would like sneak peaks please email me as pictures are available.

by Anonymous on May 09, 2001 - 03:45 PM
The Oxford English Dictionary defines Somatic as "Of or pertaining to
the (or a) body; bodily, corporeal, physical". In other words we took some pictures of some girls who were cute and had nice bodies.They were next to my bike and probably would be offended if they were mentioned in the same sentence as "corporeal".

by wyatt ( on May 18, 2001 - 05:35 AM
Rosoce help me out on this. Are Dingos superior to Hyenas or are Hyenas as I suspect the superior to Dingos. Also with your live stock experience would it be possible to breed my Emu to my Hyena and come up with a new hybrid and possibly a commercial meat sourch that lives on carrion and frightens away prowlers. Your thoughts please.

by roscoe on May 19, 2001 - 12:02 PM
I don't know about hyenas or dingos . I do know dingos are held responsible for eating Merrill Streep's baby. I also know that was one funny hyena on the cartoon with Libby the Lion.

How should I know what happens when you breed an Emu with an hyena? I doubt you'll realize the result you hope to find. Recently, it was discovered human genetics are much less complicated than first expected. This is good in that future developments in medical procedures can benefit humans and provide remedies or even cures to debilitating illnesses. It is bad that we as humans can no longer consider ourselves superior in the animal world. The animal world will no longer tolerate our arrogance. You are cooking a Genetic stew which can only cause problems. A feathery quadra-ped , 6 ft. tall with fangs and a blood lust may find us cowering or willing to offer our young as sacrifices. More likely, you will find a very large ostrich-like , hairy bird that laughs at its own poop jokes.

by Anonymous on May 19, 2001 - 05:27 PM
I laugh now... Just like Marilyn Monroe suggesting to the Nobel Prize winner if they were to mate, "imagine"? the idea of her looks and his smarts and he suggested that it could be his looks and her smarts...I go bed now...
We were born slimy,bloody and screaming.Then we wash, grow old, die and stop screaming.

When you die, your finger nails and hair continue to grow but your phone calls seem to taper off....So whats wrong with laughing at ones own poop jokes?

by Anonymous on May 20, 2001 - 09:47 AM
Roscoe I have long respected your expertise in animal husbandry and also your skill as a warshing machine artist, however I am going ahead with my plan of mating my Emu to my Hyena it will be called a enamu. I weighed your arguments and decided that I was willing to take the risk. Mass extinctions being the norm in this days society, I take it upon myself to repopulate the world with new unusual hybrids of animals. The enamu is just the begining my friend, your help is invited, please join me in creating animals and plants that may someday help us cure cancer or even tourettes syndrome.Disease's which are now hopeless to even try to spell could be treated from what we learn from our new breeds of plants and animals. Cat/Cow...Large mouth Bass/ Turnip...Kyte/Tapir...Onion/Banana and on and on and etc. Join me and help save humanity or ignore me and watch me save humanity, the choice is up to you.

by roscoe on May 21, 2001 - 10:53 AM
Anonymous, it seems you are living on the Island of Dr. Moreau . Not the entertaining one written by H. G. Wells, or the fun one portrayed in the movie produced in 1933. You are playing in the bad one starring Marlin Brando . Well, if you are Marlin Brando , I'll be Val Kilmer (hello ladies) . So, here it goes tubby ...

The Cat/Cow- I envision a bovine/feline mixture happily chasing a two foot diameter ball of twine and playfully batting at butterflies. I also see this fuzzy beast cleaning itself on the living room carpet and coughing up fur balls the size of your head.

The large mouth bass/Turnip -the large mouth bass is a good eat . Turnips are not. Don't mess with a good thing.

The Kyte/Tapir -the unfortunate Tapir is burdened by dragging tinder appendages upon the ground. Don't wish this on the Kyte .

The onion/banana-the Revolutionary Banonion may show promise . Just think of ordering the Banonion daiquiri at 2:45 a.m. for that sexy barfly who insists dragon breath punches her button .

If you want , I'll give you "Freak Show" Roy's cellphone number and maybe he can find a spot for you in his next tour . Good luck Doc . Good luck humanity. The horror... The horror .....

by Anonymous on May 26, 2001 - 07:39 AM
"The Heart of Darkness" is the Joesph Conrad Novel that the particular Marlon Brando movie you are refering to is based upon.With that I would ask that you kindly give me "Freak Show Roys" # so I can "make him an offer he cant refuse". I have just combined an electric eel with a porupine for my extreme petting zoo that Freak Show and myself could probably make a success. I am currently trying to combine a Wolverine with the common tapeworm for what purpose I dont know, just idle curiousity I suppose. Keep me posted
Tuan Wyatt

by roscoe on Jun 01, 2001 - 03:54 PM
I told Freak Show Roy about your new business venture and he grew as giddy as a schoolboy telling his first " pull my finger " joke. He shined, babbling about how nature provides animals with defense mechanisms and elaborated on the laws of natural selection. He told of the duck billed platypus sporting poisonous spurs on its back legs... The only mammal to own them. He praised the Annaconda for its many teeth and tenacity. I tell you Anonymous, you have made the man happier than he has been in years.

He showed me sketches of hybrid animals bred for the very purpose of an extreme petting zoo. He said those candy fed, softies can have their X-sports like helicopter skiing and street luge. "Stick their arm in a cage with a 30 lb. HARMADILLO and listen to them whine like babies." He said the BUNNIGATOR will not only attract people to the petting zoo, it also has potential in the fashion industry. Apparently its furry back and scaled belly have great economic value. The CARNIMOLE is for the most extreme zoo patron. It not only tunnels through your yard but also under your skin.

So Anonymous, Freak Show is more than interested in your business venture but let me tell you, don't let the old guy down. If he gets mad at you, things can get very weird.

by Anonymous on Jun 04, 2001 - 10:19 PM
Roscoe, I met Side Show recently and sneaked a piece of his DNA off a cue tip I had slipped into is jaw hole under the pretence that I was checking for "The Rabies".I have combined his DNA with Sarah Jessica Parkers and now I think we have the potential for a new cable hit which we will call "Sex in the side show" poor Matthew Broderick will just have to look on and pretend he enjoys Broadway.You of course understand sideshow is not to hear a word of my plan/ploy, and if Broderick axes tell him the stage is where real actors live and he is acting on the edge and every pansie in stage thinks he is just grand, in fact fabulous!

Posted under duress...JW

PS. Axe Skip B next time you see him to have the spell check checked causein I thinken I spele badlee rong.

by roscoe on Jun 05, 2001 - 05:53 PM
Last night I woke up a bit hungry so I decided to fix something to eat. I needed to find the handle for the skillet so I went to the garage . . . arr um, research and development lab to find my vise grips. Not exactly to my surprise, I found Freak Show passed out on the floor and Tater was, well drunk as a monkey. I tried waking Freak, but he would only roll over and mutter something about new tattoos. He finally sat up against the bar and sloppily explained how by gaining weight he would make more room on his body for a few new tattoos. The idea seemed plausible except for the fact that some time during the night Freak Show apparently fell into the blender while mixing banana liquor drinks.

It's hard to take a man serious when he has a kitchen appliance entangled in his beard and a 200 pound chimpanzee is using the electrical cord as a jump rope. I found my bacon tongs and went back inside the house leaving them hugging each other and singing as drunk men sometimes do.

Wyatt, you seem a lot smarter about this gene splicing thanI know about. I have one question for you. Will alcohol have any effect on the DNA sample? My fear is that if you obtained DNA while Freak was passed out, Sara Jessica Parker will be very disappointed with the results. In years to come I envision a young woman who is as cute as a button but has a very mean temper . . . say, Sharon Stone . I know there is a direct correlation between the use of alcohol and being abducted by alien UFOs.

by Anonymous on Jun 05, 2001 - 09:03 PM
Scoe, I do know that studies have been conducted and that if you are under the influence of alcohol there is no more of a chance that you will be abducted by aliens than if you were sober as a Preacher/Judge, with his hands cuffed behind his back on Sunday with his mouth sewn shut...However if you happen to drive a pickup truck and have alcohol in your bloodstream then chances are you will be abducted,probed and released near an artistic dance club, and much to your wifes surprise the aliens will have robbed you of every dollar bill you had.
PS: Those were my bacon tongs and could you please return my stainless steel bacon tray....
What does this have to do with motorcycles and a motorcycle theme website? Well I was abducted once't while riding a motorcycle near an artistic dance club.

by roscoe on Jun 06, 2001 - 08:01 PM
I can't believe it! Smash Broadway, hit sensation, Mathew Broderic just bought a front load dishwasher and an Ossa ! Said his wife's been working steady and he had some time to finish up some projects. He said he wanted to make clay figurines and put on stage plays. I guess he's gonna use the heating element to kiln dry those. He seemed a bit upset. I guess he must of heard the rumor about his wife taking up with a carnival man. That's enough to put anybody in the dumps. I invited him to an artistic dance club to cheer him up but he didn't seem interested. He must be worried about alien abductions too.

by Anonymous on Jun 15, 2001 - 10:49 PM
As well he should, the little twerp. Bet the little twit couldnt pull a fish hook out of his own cheek!Twit, Idiot, bozo and hillbilly is all I has to say bout the 'Hollywood hotshot"!...I go bed now.

by roscoe on Jun 27, 2001 - 07:27 AM
The other night I met a lady who is really neat. I ran into her at one of the old neighborhood watering holes. There she was, dressed in dark corduroy pants, a "born to ride" tube top, and a bandanna. Well, those sophisticated types have always taken me. Finally worked up the courage to by her a tequila shooter. When I offered the drink to her, she turned around and with the extra long cigarette cradled in her warm smile she said, " sure thing cowboy but let me go to the can first ". I swear black rooted, blond haired women are hot! While she was gone, I sat there wondering what she was like. So I did what most anybody would do, I started going through her purse. She had the typical stuff. But when I got to that little purse that holds her cigarettes, I couldn't believe it; she had the tour schedule for the MARSHAL TUCKER BAND! (They are at Lincoln Park Speedway on July 1st in Putnamville, Indiana) I couldn't believe I was talking to somebody that sophisticated. it's crazy I know , but a gal like that could make me forget about Griselda .

by roscoe on Jun 27, 2001 - 09:24 AM
I knew there would be a bunch of questions that I should ask her if I was going to figure her out. Most things you can learn about a person by what they say or how they act. You can many times by discussion or even argument find out what it person is like. If she can't get past some of the things you do or say, the problem can be resolved by argument or in court. Even then, some arguments are too big to settle in court. After a lot of study, it comes down to three important questions a couple should ask each other. If I asked her, She would get spooked and run off or answer them and clear the air. Why spend months or years getting to know a person if they're gonna bushwhack you behind your back.

One. Are you now or have you been in an hmo, hetero, or bi-curious relationship that will make me mad later on?

Two. Have you ever been a ho or acted in a porno for money?

Three , and most important. Are you now, or have you ever been a guy?

If the answers to these questions can terminate a relationship, going on the Jerry Springer show is the only way to help you past these obstacles . There is a very long line . Well, I popped the questions and she passed the Jerry Springer test by saying " heck no" to all three. She's perfect!

by Anonymous on Jun 28, 2001 - 05:38 PM
All I can say Roscoe is "God Bless". and does she have any sisters and is her mother single or willin?

by wyatt ( on Jul 10, 2001 - 03:46 PM
Long time ago I knew a woman like the one Roscoe speaks of so passionatly. She had many braids in her hair aunt Helen tied and she liked talking about daddy. "Daddy can level a trailer bedder than any man North or West of the New River". " Daddy never borrowed my smokes without buying me a whole new pack later". " Daddy wouldnt had done that lest he was drunk, Daddy good people". I loved this woman but I never did get along with her"Daddy" so she's gone and she took my heart with her and I think she gave it to her Daddy to throw at the hogs.
My heart grew back and now I only have a dog, an old "Steens" mini bike a few dollars to throw to the bums and another dog that I dont tell many people about, I dont know why.
Roscoe: May your wings of desire find a romantic updraft as warm and comforting as a Grandfathers fart.

by roscoe on Jul 31, 2001 - 02:21 PM
Lorileelee ... passed the Jerry Springer quizz with flying colors. I cashed in the inventory and now have enough money to see the world. Life is looking pretty good. We packed up the motorhome and are nearly ready to hit the road. It has a neat camouflage paint job . I extended the rear bumper and added a couple of pieces of channel. By using some old seat belts, I am able to tie the KTM and Bultaco on back in a matter of minutes. Then, I stretch military cargo netting from the bumper, up and over the back of the camper so Tater can have some place to play. It's easy, we just slide open the back window and he climbs out. The only problem is his wrestling with the rooftop air conditioner (you know what I mean? ). Sometimes he grabs overhead power lines and shorts everything to the camper. it blows his fur up like a scared cat.

We're headed to Buchanan and other parts of Michigan to see what is going on. I'll be checking in now and then.

by wyatt ( on Jul 31, 2001 - 05:12 PM
Be sure to check out Cross Village it's a bit glitzy but does have the "Legs Inn" which was founded and furnished by a genuine foreigner! A not miss on the Triple Mooch tourism scale!


At 11:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are your commentary giver people always sitting alone in the dark naked when they post their comment?

At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

From Twinkie
Look up the meaning of drivel.

At 1:01 PM, Blogger josh williams said...

Twinkie is a mouth breather.

At 7:21 PM, Blogger Roscoe said...


What a name Twinkie! I now thank my parents for the gift Roscoe!

Well, here it goes. . .

drivel - Pronunciation (drvl)
v. driv·eled, or driv·elled driv·el·ing, or driv·el·ling driv·els or driv·els
v. intr.

1. To slobber; drool.
2. To flow like spittle or saliva.
3. To talk stupidly or childishly.

You’ve been reading your Word-A-Day toilet paper. Keep up the good work. Remember, it’s educational AND hygienic.

Twinkie, address us to your page so we slobbering bloggers can learn to do it properly.

At 12:46 AM, Blogger josh williams said...

Roscoe you challange these people and from my experience they disappear...Poof! It happened to me with Nancy and with Euphorbia, they are just like flies in the jelly. All you do is pick them out, pitch them over your shoulder and keep on eating!

At 3:08 PM, Blogger V said...

Hola Roscoe..

I suck at reading long posts and well yours is,erm, long..:P..Will read it soon..Thanks for linking me..Moi will be issuing free publicity coupons for you soon as well..:P..laters! :D

At 7:40 PM, Blogger Euphorbia said...

Yes, you may toss us out Joshy,but like a fly we come back at the most annoying times!

At 3:06 PM, Blogger josh williams said...

You can say that again.


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