Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Location: Napannee, Indiana

When a chimpanzee eats four bananas, a coconut cream pie, and chases it with 64 paraffin crayons you can imagine the results. Or maybe, you can't. In fact, I dare you to try. Lorileelee and I protected ourselves in our bright yellow rain gear, goggles, and some drugstore surgical masks. We poured about a quart of pepto into the beast but it just wouldn't take hold. At best 30 mi. an hour was top speed. Too many bumps in the road upset Tater even more. Besides it was all I could do to hold the camper steady while Lorileelee squeegeed the inside of the windshield.

Suddenly, between squeeges, an Orange triangle appeared. Sometimes it is called "Time Dilation" - In one micro moment that seems to take forever, a BANG shook our conestoga as a black shadow crossed the windshield. We fought it hard but the old reliable tilted hard to port. I looked around to see all of our belongings fly about the house, chimp included. It laid on its side and slid to a stop. An eerie silence followed, broken only by the moans of my fellow passengers. Still for a moment, I made sure all appendages were in line. The impact knocked off my shoes and glasses. Tater wrapped himself in a curtain and plugged his ears with his fingers. Called to Lorileelee " are you OK? " and she replied " you dumbass ". She was okay.

We could see movement through the now translucent windows and hear pounding on the roof. We mustard ourselves and climbed out to meet an awe struck group. Their vehicle in the other ditch, wheels spinning. They stood there amazed at the sight of our home made, yellow decontamination suits. We were dung covered aliens exiting a UFO near an artistic dance club. Finally, one broke from his trance, hauled back and punched me in the side of the neck screaming " its go time you heathen ! " Black wide-bremmed hats and yellow rain slickers flew like gloves at a hockey game. Those guys were some pissed-off Mennonites.

To make a long story short... The cavalry of emergency equipment had our name on it. When the dust settled, the police made us all shake hands and ask each other for forgiveness. Tater latched on to one of the guys, a new buddy (the guys were Amish, not Mennonite. Minnonites drive, Amish buggy.). We inspected each other's property damage to find the camocamper lost and the buggy repairable. Things could be worse. However it is the first time I've ever seen the terms "Amish assailant ", " road rage " and " explosive diarrhea " all mentioned in one police report. I'm not sure how the insurance company is going to except this.


At 8:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 11:52 PM, Blogger josh williams said...

Never mind the spam this is art with a capitol A! I would say LOL but I am to old for that and it lacks sincerity. Hmm I soiled me pants.

At 2:08 AM, Blogger PPPMoney said...

I tried the whole "buggy" thing for a while. Figured it would be better for the economy. Same thing happened to me, except they had an Emu.

At 2:33 PM, Blogger madman said...

That is Hilarious---I will have to link you after a story like that!

At 11:37 AM, Blogger Theresa said...

My co-workers think I'm insane already. Now the intermittant bursts of laughter verify their opinion..but oh well!! Glad everyone's ok, but that was hilarious!!


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