Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Location: Sturgis bound

NEVER VOLUNTEER FOR ANYTHING!...Two reasons: 1) Prostate 2) Warmer... Find out why at the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices in Minneapolis. Try on a phrenology machine for size and experiment with other devices of quackery. Minnesota competes with Wisconsin for "world's largest everything" but here you enter true Paul Bunyan country. Darwin, MN boasts the world's largest ball of twine measuring 12 ft. in diameter and weighing 17,400 lbs. (You don't see the world's largest ball of twine just any where.) Eveleth prides itself owning a 107 ft. hockey stick with a 700 lb. puck. Blue Earth harbors the Jolly Green Giant and is known as the birthplace of the ice-cream sandwich. Brainerd, of course is the birthplace of Paul Bunyan but before you leave the state, stop at the Benson Bowler on Minnesota Avenue for some of the world's best curly fries and knock down a few pins. It’s a "Bowltel" where you can throw a few strikes and rent a room for that nap between frames.

We made it to Mount Rushmore. We had to pick up the pace because we are being detoured to southern climates. We encountered a warm front, which brought welcome temperatures in the 40's. It was not warm enough to melt the ice and snow from the heads of our esteemed political leaders. All shared a bad case of psoriases and president Lincoln sported a nasty "Nose Klingon" 60 ft. tall. Leelee and I appreciated the beauty of the snow laidened tree scape when we heard a child giggle and exclaim, " President Lincoln's mole is climbing his snotcycle!" Leelee shrieked, sprinted, and body checked the youngster away from his "pay 25 cents and look through the big binoculars" on a post. She turned and gave me one of those "YOU forgot to lock the camper and YOUR monkey is defacing a national monument AGAIN" looks.

So how do you pull a monkey out of the president's nose? Well, do or do not follow or modify these instructions if you ever get into the same jamb. First, panic a few minutes. Second, go to the ranger station and speak with the friendlies. Ranger Rob was the gung-ho, by the book, type while his partner Ranger Andi (with an "i") was more laid-back, level Dead Headed, "No problem, it happens. Neat KTM jackets. You guys bike riders? Me too! " Ranger Rob scrambled for his climbing gear, looking for peetons, carbeeners, ice axes, static lines and other stuff and I went back to the camper for my fish finder. (Trusting O'l Lucas' story of treasure, I earlier taped it to a broom handle and with a few coat hangers, I fashioned a metal detector.) Andi grabbed her keys and left with Leelee.

An hour and a half later, Ranger Rob kicked ice and barked orders at me. Pucker factors escalated with each step higher. Mother Earth lay a distant 60 ft. below. I grew tired lugging my fish/metal detector and the 12V battery needed to power it. The excitement, this time I was the cavalry of emergency equipment. After what seemed like hours, we pinnacled the nasal drip to find Andi, Leelee and Tater sitting in Old Abe's left nostril, looking adnnoyed.
"What the... How the heck d'you get here so fast?" Andi replied "We just came up the maintenance path on the golf cart. Bobby can make things difficult." I asked her if she knew of the treasure legend. She replied, "We use the inside of Lincoln's head for storage. There's nothing here but a bunch of picnic tables and that big fiberglass buffalo nickel. You're welcome to look around if you want." We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about treasure and motorcycles and then we had to say goodbye. Detour ... Daytona !


At 11:23 PM, Blogger josh williams said...

You know Roscoe, anyone with a functioning brain would find this funny. Unfortunately you are not in the land of the learnededed. So I will give you my kudos and you will snort and wonder how the hell you can keep me from posting comments on your site.

At 8:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you wish you still drank.
Lost remote.
SOmething else I forgot. Just a reminder.

At 1:29 AM, Blogger madman said...

Presidents should never have monkeys on their noses--just their backs.


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