Sunday, January 01, 2006

Location: Observation

The wheels of justice roll slowly and the alignment is off. Freak Show's plea-bargaining abilities did not rise to my expectations. The jailhouse shrink report carried more weight than I anticipated. One condition to my release was to participate in a court-ordered observation period of 72 hours. Afterwards, I would spend a minimum of two weeks in group therapy at the city's finest Nut-bin. I would find my inner feelings looking at inkblots and answering questions like "Aren't you afraid to touch doorknobs?" I'd seen it before. In my family, interventions happen at Christmas when everybody gathers to tell you how you’re screwing up . . . Good times.

It is uncomfortable learning your "doctor" is straight out of school. Doc tripped over his feet fumbling with a clipboard. He described the battery of tests I would take in the next three days and quipped, "I hope you stick around. We hate to tell the court that you were not cooperative." I replied that I was not Harvey Mushman and this was not "The Great Escape ". The young fellow scribbled notes and asked, "Who is Harvey Mushman?" Sensing this was test number one I told Doc that racing motorcycles was more than a gimmick to Steve McQueen. He was a serious motorcycle racer who often registered as Mushman because he did not want to draw attention to himself. With a bewildered look and a shoulder shrug, my newly graduated, smart as a whip, wet behind the ears Doctor asked, "Who is Steve McQueen?" . . . I was in trouble.

Things were not going well. The staff would congregate at my door and whisper. Internal resentment festered - that monkey put me here. One nurse understood my frustration and extended an understanding hand. Her advice . . ."Don't fight the medication." Then I remembered a quote by William Jefferson Clinton . . . "If you find yourself in a big hole, stop digging." I had to agree with the hippie. I kept my stories quiet, took their tests, and told them what they wanted to hear. I had fun the next couple of days finger painting but I kind of missed Tater, Leelee and our adventures. Visiting day arrived. Freak and Tater showed, bringing gifts. Doc saw the bonafied monkey and released me to Gen-Pop, a whole new world and a whole bunch of new friends. With a bare-assed hospital gown and a restored sense of freedom, I was ready for Gen-Pop.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. . . In my case, twelve steps and a pair of pants. Twelve step programmers are natural moochers. Most anonymous support groups take the alcoholic steps, remove the word alcohol, and insert the habit necessary. Alcoholics, Sexaholics, Gamblers, Food Addicts, and Cocaine users jump in. There is a support group for you. In Gen-Pop, the first thing you do is sign up for the Substance Abusers Softball League. It is supposed to introduce you to the rest of the gang and their problems. No bats or ball, just a bunch of crazies standing in the yard screaming "Hey Batter, Swing!" Al Unser said Robert Downey was last year's MVP. Not THE Al Unser, this Al was a 6 ft. Jamaican and his racecar was, in fact, an old office chair. Man, could he hot lap the bases.

Time flies when you are on behavioral modifiers. During my stay I wondered how to make twelve steps work. "1.We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable." Okay, I admit I am powerless over monkeys -that our lives had become unmanageable. "10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.". I have three motorcycles and a monkey. I was wrong about the monkey. The rest of the steps rely on God for help. While God might have made both man and monkey, history shows you don't mix monkeys with religion. It didn't work for Darwin.

14 Comments:

At 4:27 PM, Blogger josh williams said...

Bravo you sure do write good.

 
At 10:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Roscoe: offensive to the senses and especially to sight : exceedingly ugly

 
At 11:28 PM, Blogger josh williams said...

Roscoe looks like someone found a garage sale dictionary and is pissed at you! Pissed at me too... Lets make a pledge to be less offensive from this day on! JWW

 
At 11:42 AM, Blogger Roscoe said...

Okeydokey!

 
At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great garage sale dictionary I must say, but it means all the same!

1 : FRIGHTFUL, DIRE
2 a : offensive to the sight : HIDEOUS b : offensive or unpleasant to any sense
3 : morally offensive or objectionable 4 a : likely to cause inconvenience or discomfort b : SURLY, QUARRELSOME
- ug·li·ly /-gl&-lE/ adverb

 
At 10:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Roscoe

1 : to spoil the form of
2 a : to spoil the looks of :

DISFIGURE a face deformed by bitterness b : to mar the character of a marriage deformed by jealousy
3 : to alter the shape of by stress
intransitive senses : to become misshapen or changed in shape
- de·form·able /-m&-b&l/ adjective
synonyms DEFORM, DISTORT, CONTORT, WARP means to mar or spoil by or as if by twisting. DEFORM may imply a change of shape through stress, injury, or some accident of growth
DISTORT and CONTORT both imply a wrenching from the natural, normal, or justly proportioned, but
CONTORT suggests a more involved twisting and a more grotesque and painful result
WARP indicates physically an uneven shrinking that bends or twists out of a flat plane.

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger Roscoe said...

U-G-L-Y
You ain’t got no alibi.
YOU UGLY!

 
At 11:11 PM, Anonymous David Trades said...

1 : the plea of having been at the time of the commission of an act elsewhere than at the place of commission; also : the fact or state of having been elsewhere at the time
2 : an excuse usually intended to avert blame or punishment (as for failure or negligence)

 
At 7:35 AM, Blogger Roscoe said...

At 11:11 PM, David Trades said...

1 : the plea of having been at the time of the commission of an act elsewhere than at the place of commission; also : the fact or state of having been elsewhere at the time
2 : an excuse usually intended to avert blame or punishment (as for failure or negligence)

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger Roscoe said...

David – You finally showed up. I thought of looking at your blog but hit a dead end. I’m open to improvement and I’m looking for suggestions. Please keep them PG-13. Its for the kids, you know~`

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger jungle jane said...

Why doesn't the monkey simply do the 12 steps while you provide encouragement?

I hope Josh is bringing you lots of home baked treats while you are passing time on mind altering meds?

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger madman said...

The food and sex are good in a nut-bin. To bad my insurance ran out!

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger Roscoe said...

“Crazy chicks are great, just make sure you know where their hands are at all times.” – Charlie Sheen

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger Trailer Park Girl said...

"Aren't you afraid to touch doorknobs?"
It all depends on what State I am in.

 

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